The simpler explanation is always the better of the two. Justification isn't necessary.

I suck at life, I suck at accepting, I suck at liking things I do not like. I suck at putting on fake smiles and happy faces when I'm not. I suck at being someone I do not like to be.

I'm good at saying "No". I'm good at doing what I like. I'm good at me. I don't suck at life.

People never change.

I like watching House. Maybe it's because it's like watching myself on the screen, just minus out the sarcasm and whatever biology intelligence he has.

Uniqueness. Tick. Eccentricity. Tick. Disregard of rules and regulations. Tick. Always wanting to do the different thing. Tick. Inability to be satisfied when the puzzle is not solved. Tick. Curiosity. Tick. Strive for perfection. Tick. Keeping things as it is and refusal to accept changes. Tick. Ability to judge. Semi-tick. Shutting people out as people complicates things. Tick. Limiting known associates. Tick.

Maybe one of the reasons why I need to play soccer is because I need to know that my life is still the same. That I am still good at something, maybe that keeps me in my place. Keeps me grounded, and keeps me stuck with my ability to procrastinate studies but eventually catching up with them.

I need to know that I've still got it, that touch, that part of myself that makes me me. Because maybe I'm afraid to accept a change, maybe I'm afraid that the change will compromise whatever I have left, and when I don't have that, I don't know who I am anymore and I would have lost the things that matter most to me. Or should I say, I lost myself.

Everyone has dual personalities. Your right brain and your left brain do not act in coordinance to one another. They contradict, they manipulate each other. They loathe one another. Your right brain controls your left side, and your left brain controls your right side. That is why people think that most left-handers are more artistic and right-handers are more intellectual.

I believe in rationality, but I don't believe people can have dual personalities. A hypocrite is someone with dual personalities, but controlled and bounded by his/her sense of rationalism. Decisions and choices are based on rationality, we make choices that we think is right. Hypocrisy on the other hand, or what they call it "influence from other people" or in relative terms, peer pressure, causes people to make decisions not bounded by rationalism and confined by their own stupidity to be obliged towards an invisible society that regards itself to exist as "friends" and "people around the world".

In this world, there is no right and wrong answers, there are only differences in what you think is right or wrong and what I think is right or wrong. Everything explains everything.

One is not necessarily simpler than two.

— Blog closed till prior notice —


*Tired of being ordinary, don't care if there's people starring.

Hey people, I am not dead neither am I alive. I'm just barely surviving I guess at the moment. I'm currently down with fever and sore throat, okay, more to sore throat since my fever is gone already.

Life here has been pretty nice, nothing has really changed that much for me. Though I gotta catch up on my studies, sort of a bit of a tough time trying to concentrate and learning things you've never done before.

But tutorials have been good, at least giving me an insight of where I should be. Management and accounting & finance has been rather okay, although I feel like a noob in business law (thanks to two/three idiots who already did law before/studying law at the moment in the tutes) and microeconomics (also because of people who did econs before coming into uni, baskets!). Yeah, so basically during tutes they answer stuff way beyond what we are learning and makes me want to slap them because I don't know wtf are they saying.

Like law we're only into contract law and they're like boasting about some parliament acts and trying to debate points about it. Wtf. How else would you want the other 14-15 people in the class to participate when these bitches are asking stuff we don't even know. Pfft.

I'm supposed to do revision today, but I just woke up. This is bad. At least now I'll have two days to do so. So, I guess it'll be okay. (:

Chocolates have been a very good friend of mine, as well as making me sick in the first place but nevermind. I need bread. This sucks.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away, to my little cottage up the hill. Take a moment or two to admire the view of the mountains, lay back on the grass and watch the stars lighting up what would be the dark night sky. Let every single one of my thoughts slip away from me, and letting everything I've been holding onto out of my grasps just for that moment.

The moment when you feel that you're most alive, the moment when you feel that you're most betrayed by life itself.

I'm living that moment, but for how long?

I need an answer, but nothing is helping me to find it. I need a rhythm, but no beat currently synchs with it. I need understanding, but I know now, nobody understands me.

Maybe that is why I don't deserve this. I can never be wrong in judging people most of the time, and the people I judge wrongly are not just mere people to me. I judge myself and my life the most, and probably the best, which is why I like doing it, which is why I tend to seek perfection most of the time.

Nobody is perfect, neither am I, but I choose to believe our choices is what makes us imperfect, and sometimes, that little crack on the mirror that you have made based on the choices you make, is all it takes to make you see whether or not that choice is worth it.

Imperfection is the only thing you can never correct, no matter how much you try, because it is already there, stained in the memory of yourself and everyone else. There are some facts in life you can't change, and sometimes that's all it takes to make or break a life.

Heart-break and disappointment has not wandered far from me. I demand to much sometimes, and my imperfection is wanting everything to be perfect. I still dream about perfection, every night and day, maybe I know what I want, maybe I don't. I just need a sign, a glimpse of something, to tell me that I'm not just moving on blindly. My instincts have never let me down most of the time, but right now, it is me I don't trust.


*It's October again, leaves are coming down.

When all else fails; I am here to catch you,
When no love is found; I am here to love you,
When no one is met; I am here to find you,
When everything else shatters; I am here to hold you.


*In places no one will find, all your feelings so deep inside.

I ask myself things too often too much sometimes. Maybe I already know the answer, maybe I already know how things will play out to be. Maybe I already know what's it like. Maybe I already know what's behind those curtains.

I suck in convincing myself most of the time. Maybe it's because I think about the other possibility too much. Maybe it's because, I am right.


*It seems so strange,
That sometimes fate,
Can appear to be so real and yet turn out to be a fantasy.

I'm drowning, little by little. I need a branch, at least something to hold onto, to tell me that this is worthwhile.

Irony, a very true thing. Happens more often than you think it would. Pretty and meaningful songs are a good way to keep me up, as well as keep me from going out of my mind.

I take little little things too seriously sometimes, as well as thinking too much about small little matters. It makes me happy on some occasions but the opposite most of the time. I hate myself for that, don't you hate me too?

I'm sorry that my recent blog posts have lost that Justin touch. I'll try to do better again. Was thinking maybe a change of blog would do some refreshment as well as you know, signal a change as my life is changing at the moment.

How do I know? Everything here has been going normally, nothing but boring routines and stoning. The first thing that cheered me up and made me take notice? Finding that Nando's gave me 6 chicken wings instead of the 5 I ordered. A good swing in the tide perhaps?

What do you think?


— This is probably the first time and last time that there isn't a song in my playlist that I can steal a line from to depict how I feel —

It's 3am here and I can't really sleep. Oh wells.

Life here is okay, hasn't been that bad apart from a couple of weird stuff. Oh yeah, I'm in the soccer team and I just found out that it's the under-22 team, so yeah. I guess it ain't too bad.

I lost my bank client number letter, so I'm gonna have to head down to campus (yes, the campus has banks and other convenient stuff you need there) to retrieve a new one or ask them for it because I don't remember it. ;/

My flatmate and his girlfriend are back from holiday, there goes my freedom of living alone. Well, it was good while it lasted. Anyways, they're nice people so no harm I guess.

Aussies are particularly fussy if you mention something offensive or wrong to them I realize. Like how today I asked the lady in charge of the sports facilities whether I could use the soccer pitch for extra training and before I could mutter another word she was like "No, you can't use it." and straight away looked away from me and didn't want to reply me eventhough I was trying to explain to her why I wanted to use it. Pfft.

Anyway, on a random note, what's up with people touching up other people when they're taking photos? Don't you think it's damn wtf? I mean okay la, take photo take photo la. Wassup with all the hugging, hands around the waist, arms around another person thingy (okay la, meant for people of opposite sexes because I don't mind if they're from the same sex because of my whole people of opposite sexes can never have a platonic relationship when put together theory)? Seriously.

You can call me a very conservative person but hey, I think there are limits as to how people touch you and who can actually touch you. It's like you're just throwing your body into other people's hands to freely grope/touch you whenever and wherever they like just because "I AM TAKING A PICTURE". Amazing what society has become. And I just CANNOT accept that people are so whatever about it. Surely there's nothing wrong with the guy, I mean he's the one doing all the touching. Pfft.

And Aussies are particular about the issue too! I was at soccer training yesterday, and this guy was telling me (okay, more like the other people in the team and I happen to be part of the team, so I listened) like how there's this other guy who likes to touch his girl friends when they're taking photos or just randomly touch/hug them and his some of his girl friends were pissed with it and told him off. But he said that the guy still touches people. Weird much. ;/

Yeah, exactly. Yeah la yeah la, I haven't grow up la, I haven't meet the "REAL WORLD" yet la, I haven't experienced "LIFE" yet la. Pfft, please. Don't tell me all those kind of nonsense because I've been through a hell lot than any of you could ever imagine and I have done a lot of things in which many of you may not and never know of. As though you people saying that are experiencing what really is life and the real world.

The real world is when you realize that "Fuck, I've screwed up and now I have to start back from square one". It's when you realize that not everyone is the same as you. Yes, there may be about a million people doing Commerce/Arts/Sciences in different majors, but at the end of the day there are only about few thousands successful ones. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS LIFE. Not everyone gets rich, not everyone succeeds. You may hold the same degree but at the end of the day it still comes down to you, whether you're able to deliver in a situation which requires you to and whether or not you know how to make the right and clinical decisions, and whether or not you're successful in what you think you're good at.

Fuck, people just randomly take business/commerce because they think they can earn more than anyone else and because it's easy. THAT IS ONLY IF you become CEOs, managers, executives and such. Other than that, you're only gonna earn just about the same as everyone else or less. WHY? Because you think just by choosing this you're equal with everyone, but in fact you're not because you don't have that extra edge that actually drives you on and that vision that keeps you grounded and that difference which sets you apart.

You can say the same about me, but hey, I dare boast that I am gifted in many ways that you are not. I am also lacking in some ways that you are not either, but I make the most of what I have and I can scrape out the necessary requirements when I need to, and so far it has not let me down and I know if I really put effort into something, I can dare say I am at least a very good friend of success.

8A's in SPM while playing DotA for the whole 2weeks of SPM (yup, me, JL and my cousins were like playing from 3-12 everyday), 90TER for SAM w/o revising Spec Maths and basically not doing any revision for most subjects as well as sleeping my way through or playing more DotA before/during the exams. Okay, maybe 90TER relatively sucks, but hey, why don't you try and do double Maths, Physics and Chemistry (I'm good in Chem and Maths but not interested in being an engineer nor anything science related because I can never imagine myself as one, which explains my Commerce take) and not do any past year papers/revision for Spec Maths and Physics and just like two/three for Chem and actually score that.

Not to brag or anything, but yeah, I can say I owe luck a lot on some of the stuff. But hey, I've set my targets realistically knowing that I did not give my full effort as I have other commitments during those times. I set 8A's for SPM and a 87.5TER for SAM. Guess what?

I know studies aren't everything, but I've had my fair bit of stuff too you know. I don't think I have to explain sports wise, because I'm sure you already know. I was in the drama club (NO WE ARE NOT ABOUT DRAMA, WE ACT) for 2years, I kinda got kicked out coz' I was breaking too many chairs and enjoying myself too much. Bla bla bla, the list goes on. I'm endowed with a lot of great potential, maybe I've split it out too much, maybe I haven't fully utilized it yet. Who knows.

I have a sense uni life would be more like that of high school. Lots of politics, lots of ups and downs, lots of ins and outs, and definitely lots of fun whilst doing well w/o studying. Yay. My aim is to join the top 15% (realistic target, okay my realistic target is actually top 5% but cannot so lanci la later people don't like post stupid comments threaten to kill me not nice right). ;O

Okay, this post is very full of myself and I'm sorry for that. Damn random I know, sorry. And it's 4am now. Yes, I take an hour to post something. Sheesh. Nites people.


*I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Seven more days. <3

Hi people. Missed me?

I'm still alive btw, barely I guess. Life has been rather dull and mundane, still and again. Haha.

I'm now in Clayton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. Yes, Clayton = Cheras, Melbourne = Kuala Lumpur, Victoria = Wilayah Persekutuan and so forth. ;O

I'm living in this nice cosy apartment, WITH VERY THIN WALLS unfortunately. I can almost hear anything my flatmate does and whatever he says when he's outside his room and half of the things when he is in his room.

He is from Singapore, with his girlfriend who stays here as well. They're nice people, but I hardly get to talk to them coz' I don't want to interrupt their time. The place is kinda messy, apart from my room. My room's kinda nice, it has an en suite bathroom, a closet, lots of shelves, study desk (more like my computer table), bed, small table, and heater (makes not much of a difference though).

Luckily I've been to cold countries before, so embracing the wind and the coldness of Melbourne has been not entirely easy but not entirely difficult as well. The wind is damn bloody strong where it literally blows you away. Heh. ;D

Wait, I shall charge my laptop, 20% battery remaining. Damn stupid, don't know why come here like damn fast no battery!?! Okay, done.

Anyways, yeah, my flatmate is an okay guy and so is his girlfriend (though I hardly see her, in fact I haven't seen her for 3 days now despite living in the same apartment). The apartment is kinda big, nice kitchen, living area, balcony, it's brand new which is why I like the place.

Though I kena con in rent by around 100$ per/week, coz' the previous guy who stayed here rented it for 760$ per month and mine is 840$ per month I think. Pfft.

But then it's kinda okay as it's a lot better compared to the city prices elsewhere, and when the single room comes up it's about 1000$ a month. So yeah, but at least there are people sounds around the apartment so it ain't too bad. Though I can't like talk too loud in my room coz' they can hear me and I am damn paranoid about these things. ;/

My laptop volume is on 10 and yet they can hear what songs I am playing, can you imagine that?!?!

Grr, even sometimes I can hear his/her mouse clicks in their room from mine. Oh wells.

Anyways, campus is nice as it has basically everything you need. I can go there if I want Asian food, fast food, groceries and such. I just need a new blankie, coz' the one I brought from Malaysia is definitely not gonna be enough when baby comes over. Heh, only 9 more days to go! ;)

I've been a damn neat freak so far since I am here, coz' I can't live in a dirty place so whatever also I will clean and stuff like that. I even make my own bed here! Haha.

Oh well, I'll probably try to update soon so that you all can know about how boring my non-existant social circle life here is. ;D

Everything and everyone will be sorely missed. It's 2.30 a.m. and I'm already starting to crack under the feeling of venturing into the unknown alone. Yes, I am tearing up even before I leave (yeah la, noob la, lame la, pathetic la), pfft.

Leaving tomorrow at 10.05 a.m., so long everyone, and hello obscurity!


*Maybe it's too far away, maybe I'm just blind.

---

Sometimes you think about the choices you take. The sacrifices you make. The decisions you choose. The things you've got to lose.

I may miss a lot of things back here as well as the people, but all in all, I know what you and I have, and I know that that is worth everything.

Ee Shan may be in Sydney and me in Melbourne, but hey, we've been further away no?

Sometimes we go through things that people would think are weird, we do things people would think are weird and we say things people would think are weird, but I guess we like weird. ;D

Arguments have always been there, some rifts about certain stuff have always been there, complains, nagging, everything have always been there, but we've pull through.

I don't believe people who are different can actually be together. People say opposites attract, yes, but I don't think it is meant for things to be that way. It purely means opposite sexes attract one another. I believe people of the same nature are best to be together, because you'll know when the bad times come and when the good times arrive as well as how bad or good they are respectively.

I also believe that being so compatible makes it easier to understand one another, and helps see how much of a person you actually are because it is like looking at yourself in the mirror. It helps build you up, into a better person, makes you a more defined and improved human being.

It's not easy to say that you can find someone who is like you in almost every way, who wants and needs the things that you do. And that is why I know that what we have now is special and we're doing fine thus far, and I want it to be that way in spite of wanting to have disagreements and some random arguments, ramblings, complains, naggings, because I think it is inevitable to keep us grounded and making us better people and having a better relationship. I know what you want to say next, and yes, I love you Ng Ee Shan. And the answer will always be the same when you ask me that an hour later or two hours later, and the almost 14 times a day (now reduced to roughly 2-3). <3


*If you're asking do I love you this much, baby I do.

1904 - 2009. 105 years, that's how long Saint John's Institution (which I will now refer to as SJI for those of you who do not know) has stood the test of time.

I'm not really known to be extremely passionate about my school honestly, neither have I been really that patriotic/loyal to my school. Proof? Well, you guys should know what I have done to the school in the past, aye'?

But when it comes to actually doing something for the school or representing the school, or having to contribute to the school, I have done nothing less than giving 110%, I can assure you of that. Whether it is representing the school in whatever sports I play, whatever society or clubs, okay maybe excluding drama practice (Jonathan, I blame you for that), but yeah, I do give it my all.

I've always been proud that I studied in a place like SJI and managed to give so much to my school. But I don't think in the future it will be the same. Prolly after like 10 years from now, I'd go like, "Oh, no. I did not study in that dumpster, the SJI I studied at died like in 2009".

SJI, let me see. I don't even know where to start off. When we had the 100 years anniversary on our centenial year, it was like so prestigous, everything was about about SJI back then. We are always known to be special in everything. Sports, studies, whatever you name it, SJI will always be known among the greats.

We used to be zone champions for basketball in both U-15 and U-18 categories for like what, 7 years running? We used to hold a special name in volleyball competitions as to being the only Chinese team in the zone to effing blow away all the M's. We also used to be like the school to beat in badminton competitions by sweeping every category. We also succeeded in many sports back then and even in my time, like athletics, squash, table tennis etc.

We were also THE MOST well-known Scout troops. Our Eagle Scout Group used to be like the Manchester United of football, just that in Scout. Our Prefectorial Board used to be like so exclusive and so like well-respected be it in our school and others.

Let's take it back to my eldest cousin's era (SJI 01'). Basically from what he told me, I think this was quite a legacy that they have upheld and started. They started making a name for themselves in volleyball, and eventually being the champions for both categories for like 2-3 years running if I'm not mistaken, and also without a doubt basketball champions for both categories too (I will not mention basketball anymore after this, because it should be well understood that we are the champions for the zone for the next 6-7 years). Our EGS was also pretty much setting the standard for everyone else as everyone else's did not have the flexibility and the authority that ours has, so they pretty much looked fairly mediocre.

Prefectorial Board was excellent I'd say, ran by Mrs. Ng Wee Mei. Almost every club and society's Chairman, Vice Chairman, Secretary and every captain of every sports team were the school's prefects. Discipline was never an issue indubitably and really, this is why it was so prestigous to even be part of the board, and the authority as well as the respect was there.

As the years roll by, we slowly lost grip on volleyball but we improved in others. Becoming badminton champions, football champions, and strong athletic results in our zone left us in a very promising position for the future. Prefectorial Board though, started to slump. Chairmans and captains of sports teams were basically banned from being prefects under the new teacher, Mrs. Lim "Tupai". Pfft.

So, as more years roll by, Peter Yii decided to ban all school celebrations, resulting in less holidays, more studying, and fucked up sports results. School's birhtday celebrations were cut from being the entire day or week, to just two hours (the tradition in my school might differ, so yeah, but we take our school's anniversary very seriously as well as other school matters). Our annual Canteen Day was as well removed for the next 4 years, and our annual year-end sports activities were all barred as well. Seriously, rubbish.

My year started to roll in around now, and we were yet again champions for basketball, but the U-15 team slumped and lost out and finished 2nd in the zone. TRADITION BREAKERS! Pfft.

We were also runners-up in KL for squash thanks to Mr. Chee "watermelon-breaker" Vin Son. Our EGS was also quite respectable and very very active, as well as having household names like Kevin Hoong and Theng Wen Chong. We failed in both badminton and volleyball, with a lot of hopes on badminton, I failed to deliver after serving 17 shuttles out in the quarterfinals which I however was recalled to represent the zone, BUT THE EFFING INTERACT CUM BADMINTON TEACHER DID NOT TELL ME I WAS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT THE ZONE OMGWTF.

Our athletics were brilliant as we had the "Dahl Team", primarily consisting of Indians which can absorb heat rays due to their dark skin and run forever without feeling tired. Yes, we sweeped everything in the zone and we even managed a couple of strong performances in state and national level, which I think included a Bronze medal in the national level if not mistaken.

We were also now enlisted along with several schools into what we call "CLUSTER SCHOOLS OF EXCELLENCE". Yes, sarcasm intended there at the same time. We all eventually started calling it CF or Cluster F*** (censorship needed to avoid any misunderstanding between you and the what I was gonna say, okay nvm, I don't make sense). Our teachers started to like rebel against Peter Yii until they even started agreeing with the whole CF idea. Eventually, one by one, our best teachers started leaving, which contributes to the whole situation now.

Academically, we scored like 7-8 10/11 A1's students on my year which I guess is pretty impressive. I mean if I can get 8A's, why can't these geeks do better. So yes, we even revived the drama team and eventually became state champions again, like as they did in my eldest cousin's year. Our Prefectorial Board began to suck, AS EVERYONE IS FUCKING NERD AND DAMN "KUAI CHAI". Gosh, can you imagine a bunch of prefects in a school which is damn nerd, damn go-by-the-rules, damn like "the most offensive thing I ever did was skip one class", damn like not too smart nerd yet not too stupid nerd, damn like don't even dare to speak up to those M's who go to Burger King and smoke while waiting for you to finish your drink so that they can take your cup and refill it to drink. Damn pathetic till can die okay.

Gawd, I shall contain my anger and continue blogging about the EFFING PATHETIC students in my school now. Whichever Johannian that comes across this and has already completed your time in SJI, I beg you to please, blog about this issue so that the Johannians now will realise what losers they are and how much have they dragged down the school name. I know not many read my blog, so I hope that you can spread this around. A few examples of what the school has become:

-We do not have a volleyball team.
-Our basketball team are not even a top team in the zone anymore.
-Our EGS are more like a bunch of Scouts from other schools thinking that their -Scout group is damn effing good.
-Our squash team has died.
-Academic wise I'm not too sure, but I don't think we've gotten better.
-Prefectorial Board, I don't think there's actually more than 2-3 people that can actually stand up and be counted when put to the sword.
-Dying badminton team.
-Dying drama team.
-Arguably one of the best Maths teachers has left in Mrs. Norbani, who has gone to become the head of the Maths field in VI.
-Our dear Mr. Rajan a.k.a. Rajan, the counsellor has also left.
-There is a favouritism issue among the Prefectorial Board regarding the teacher, whose son is dating the Girl's Rep. However, the favouritism is that the teacher is AGAINST the Girl's Rep and even wanted to replace the Girl's Rep for no apparent reason regarding duty and such.
-Tradition is slowly falling apart, yes, the tradition that we have built. Are we gonna let these people tear it down?
-AND SERIOUSLY, STOP THE FORM SIX DATING FORM FOURS/FIVES THING. IT IS JUST SHOWING HOW EFFING DESPERATE YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE. GAWD, ALMOST 95% OF THESE R'SHIPS ARE FULL OF EPIC FAIL.
-Almost everyone now that has joined is like "I am Johannian. I have the Johannian spirit". STOP YOUR DAMN BULLSHIT PEOPLE, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU EFFING GIVE IT YOUR ALL IN TRYING TO DO YOUR SCHOOL PROUD. Seriously, they are undermining the school and it is a damn shame to see what the school has become now.

Please and thank you if you have helped in getting this message across.