"What the hell happened?"

"Nothing. Nothing changes. I'm not gonna change."

"Who asked you to?"

"Mark is willing to do whatever it takes...I'm not. Never was. You were happy with Mark, you will be happy again."

"Shut up about Mark. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I can't make you happy!"

"What?"

"How do you think this is gonna end? We'll be happy for what, few weeks, few months? And then I'll say something insensitive or I'll...start ignoring you. At first it'll be okay coz' it's just House being House. And then...some point, you will need something more. You will need someone who can give you something I can't. You know I'm right. I've been there before."





"What did you tell her?"

"I told her she's better off without me."

"Ha. That's probably true...You're an idiot! You don't think she'd better better off without you."

"Right, I sent her off on a whim."

"You have no idea why you sent her off."

"Don't do this."

"This was no great sacrifice. You sent her away because you've got to be miserable."

"What kinda psycho crap help get your patients through the long nights. Or is it just for you? Tough love make you feel good? Helping people feel their pain?"

"You don't like yourself, but you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable."


Now I know why I like watching House. The sense of irony mixed with the sense of truth. Everybody lies. The more devoted, the more likely. Twisted and manipulative motives can be romantic, but the truth is what gives meaning to it. Knowing is always better than not knowing. You can't forgive something you have never known, and when you do, you're not able to.

I hate having to play catchup. I hate playing second fiddle. I hate living within the shadow of others. I hate not knowing. I can't change that.

I've been miserable every now and again. It's compelling, it's overwhelming, it's addictive, it's...satisfyingly good.


*Without you within me, I can't find no rest.